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November 22, 2005
Dreaded Day
There's three occassions that I deeply dread: Food Day at work, Christmas, and Thanksgiving. No, I don't dread them because of my family and co-workers all being batshit crazy, or because of some religious thing. It's because I'm a vegetarian.
Because I'm a vegetarian, I have to run through the same gauntlet of questions every time. Every. Time.
So, to save all of you some time, here are the same questions that get asked Every Time, with the Same Answers that I give Every Time:
1. Is it part of your religion?
A: No. I don't ascribe to any doctrine of faith.
2. How long have you been a vegetarian?
A: Since 1998. It happened during a vacation of Florida (which my mom and step-dad do NOT fondly remember).
3. What made you decide to do it?
A: I was eating a hamburger, and it all of a sudden hit me what exactly I was eating, and I just couldn't do it anymore.
4. So, what do you eat?
A: Everything except dead animals. I'm twenty pounds overweight, so it's pretty obvious that I'm not starving to death.
5. Aren't there nutrients from meat that you need to survive?
A: Yes, protein and B-12, both of which I'm able to get from other sources. I've been a vegetarian for seven years now, and I'm still not dead.
6. So, are you one of those whacko's who spraypaints fur coats?
A: No, I'm not a member of PETA. I personally detest all of those stump-humping hippies. It's those retards that make it so that I get these questions all of the time.
7. What about fish? They're not animals.
A: Seriously, I get this question every time. Listen, geniuses, just because it doesn't live on the land doesn't mean it's not an animal. Go back to grade school science class and learn your differentiation between animals, plants, and minerals.
8. What about dairy?
A: I'm not a vegan, so I do consume dairy and eggs. I will also occasionally buy leather. I don't, however, consume anything with gelatin, nor caesar dressing, because both cause animals to be killed.
9. Don't you just want a big juicy steak sometimes?
A: Fuck, no. I always hated steak. I don't have any cravings for meat. Ever. Other than pussy, of course.
10. I don't know how you do it. I couldn't live without meat.
A: I think I'm evidence that yes, you can safely live without eating rotting animal flesh.
11. Would it piss you off if I eat this hamburger in front of you?
A: Not at all. We're designed to eat both, I just choose not to. If you choose to eat meat, that's your decision, your body, and your life. I don't want people telling me how to eat, so I'm not going to tell them how to eat, either.
12: I could slip some meat into your food and you wouldn't even know it.
A: Yes, I would, and you're a sick little fuck for wanting to do it.
13: Have you eaten any meat since you officially quit?
A: Maybe four times, and each time made me violently ill. No joke. Once you've quit, your body can't handle all of the rich content.
Hopefully this clears things up for everyone, and will save you the effort of running through those questions. Oh, who the hell am I kidding, if folks think that fish aren't animals, they're not going to accept the fact that I don't eat meat.
Posted by Schamberger at November 22, 2005 06:58 AM